Are you a Trophy friend??

This post may be a little rambling and come across as me thinking out loud, and I suppose it is haha! Its what Im calling a “cuppa and a chat” post, (these will feature regularly) because thats how Im thinking of it. Just me, and you, sitting with a cuppa, chatting about curious things…….

If you have been visiting me here for a while, you will probably have come to realise that I am a true believer in that life is on the most part, a beautiful thing, so this is not a negative post. I feel that we should always try to live life and not just observe it, and that if something is meant for us, it wont miss us. Fate, positivity and being present are my daily mantras. You can read more on my whole “thing” about all that in this post, Ten things Iv learnt on my 44th birthday

Another thing that would not have passed you by if you have been here a while, is that this year, so far, has not quite gone the way I planned it. I know brighter days are coming, so I remain positive, but it has been tough. I try very hard not to dwell on things, or let things get me too low, and quite often things have happened that we tell no one about. Not even friends. Not because of any big secrets, but because we don’t want to make people sad or uncomfortable. Many of our friends don’t even know what we are going through with my husbands illness. Obviously close friends do, as its nice to be able to chat if we want to. Everyone needs that.

When things happen, it makes you reflective, and more observant to the world around you. Things people say, their actions, all seem to speak a little louder when times are tough. Does anyone else find that? What I have also found though is that some of the things people say feel a little insincere, and if there is one character trait Im not a fan of, its insincerity. I am a true believer in if you don’t feel something, or mean something, then don’t say it. Simple as that.

Take for example a thread on social media. There will be an opinion on perhaps, something in the news, that gains ground and becomes a popular opinion. All of a sudden, you have everyone jumping on that popular opinion bandwagon. It then deflects from the matter, as people then make it about them. An example of this is one of the recent natural disasters. It was awful, people were scared for their life. You then have people tweeting things like, “Oh its so awful, I cant believe I was there xyz years ago #feelinglucky” They want to jump on the popular opinion, but they have also made it about them. You see?

Well, when you have something awful going on in your own life, its amazing how many of the people you know also, maybe unintentionally, do this. Its not them being nasty or thoughtless, they just have that tendency to want to make it about them. They are not bad people, just maybe a little narcissistic?? Again, an example of this was when I was recounting the emotional story of my husband becoming critically ill in the hospital to someone, and them saying, “Oh thats so awful, I know how he must feel as I have been laid up for a week with an awful cold”. (Im not dismissing how rough they feel with a cold by the way) They just cannot resist making it about them. Its actually really interesting. I love the minds of people, how they tick. Its got me kinda curious!

Friends and family do their best to rally round when life gives you a rough patch, and I am lucky in that I have some of the best! I feel blessed. I have however, also noticed the people that are what I am affectionately now calling, a Trophy Friend. Again, these are not bad people, but they appear a little insincere and most of what they do is to cast them in a good light. Its a gentle showcasing to others that they are, of course, a great friend. These are the people that tell your other friend how worried they are about you, (but haven’t called you) when you write something on your social media about your situation, they write that they are always thinking of you, (yet never message), they express to people how they cant stop thinking about “poor Nik”, (yet have never text him). They hear that another friend has dropped in a card/sent flowers, so run and pop their own card through the letter box, (but don’t knock at your door) All of these things are public, and expressed for others to see, yet never said/expressed to you. Its a show. Does that make sense? Im not sure why they do it and its interesting. Is it to make themselves feel better? To try to get affirmation that they are nice people? To jump on the bandwagon? Or, is it simply a time thing, in that they forget to call, text, message? Its a strange thing isn’t it?

I suppose the point of this post is to say that we should all try really hard to not be a Trophy Friend. If your friends/family are having a hard time, show them you care. As I say, Trophy Friends are not bad people, not at all, we are all different and deal with situations differently. Its certainly raised my awareness to it.  We should be the friend that does message. That is genuinely concerned. That shows they are thinking of you. And, quite frankly, if you don’t genuinely feel those things, then don’t say it. Insincere comments can make a person feel worse, like your humouring them when they are having a tough time. Trust me, people see through insincerity, I can promise you that.

Id love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you experienced similar? Do you have Trophy Friends? Have you been one in the past? Lets discuss it, the kettle is on after all……….


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  1. October 20, 2017 / 8:17 am

    Maybe I’m just grumpy today, but I think you’re more generous than I would be 🙂 I don’t know if trophy friends are real friends at all if their main motivation is about feeling good themselves or appearing to be a good friend. It’s an interesting thought though!

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 20, 2017 / 8:32 am

      Haha, Im sure your not grumpy Kirsty x. It is interesting isn’t it. I think they probably consider themselves friends, but maybe on a more shallow level than some other friends? I find the inner workings of peoples minds so blooming interesting. I should have studied phycology 🙂 Thank you for reading xx

      • October 20, 2017 / 5:06 pm

        Haha I have my grumpy moments! I think it’s fine to have the different levels of friendship, but that person then can’t expect you to suddenly drop everything when they want something because friendship is all about giving as well as receiving. I think it’s totally fine if you don’t have time, or if it takes a bit longer to get round to catching up with people that you’re not so close to, but I don’t like it when people try to show off or let everyone know what a good friend they are. Being someone’s friend is something you do because you care and like the other person, not because you want other people to think you’re amazing because you post insincere things where everyone can see them! That’s my take anyway. Have a lovely weekend XX

        • kerrylifeandloves
          October 20, 2017 / 5:35 pm

          Yep, I agree and I absolutely get what you mean, Im loving your honesty. Thats what I wanted, people to chat and give their views. Thank you. Your a star. You have a lovely weekend too, enjoy xxx

  2. highstreetbeauty11
    October 20, 2017 / 9:35 am

    You are so right, Kerry. I think it’s a human instinct to link and compare events to your own experiences but it’s not always socially appropriate to mention them! I have stopped myself a few times for example for replying to you that someone in my family has been undergoing treatment for a serious illness because I think it’s not the same thing as you and Nik are dealing with and you might think I am making it about me. But on the other hand, I only want to mention it so that you might have comfort that I do understand (if only slightly) the mix of feelings you are going through. Hope that makes sense! I completely agree that if you don’t feel strongly about something you really shouldn’t comment as falseness is so obvious.

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 20, 2017 / 2:24 pm

      Ah Im so glad you have said this, as this is another side to it too isnt it. Thats why I 100% know that people dont mean harm. Im exactly the same, I have a friend going through similar to me, and we kind of avoid talking too much about it as, her words, we dont want to play “illness top trumps” hahahah (her description really made me laugh) The thing is, I prefer to talk about and listen to other peoples problems than talk about my own. I love that you have popped this view into the discussion, thank you xxxx. I blooming love a cuppa and a chat lol

  3. October 20, 2017 / 9:39 am

    I so agree with what you’re saying, a lot of the time I feel like some people what to appear to be doing what they think ‘they’re supposed to do’ but don’t want to put the effort in xx

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 20, 2017 / 2:17 pm

      I think some people just dont think. They dont mean harm, they just have perhaps been lucky enough to not go through rough times? So they dont really have an understanding? It could be that couldnt it. Thanks for joining in the discussion. xxx

  4. October 20, 2017 / 1:23 pm

    Yes, Yes, Yes…i hear you on so many levels on this. I think I have only really noticed since I have had children though. I couldn’t say why that is only that with children, there’s no filter is there-they say it as it is and I think that may have rubbed off on me. I see people differently-no filters probably is a good way to describe it. The falseness of the playground is torture on a daily basis but like you, I don’t dislike these people, I just find myself tolerating them all the while thinking “I really don’t ever want to be like this”. Does that make sense?The second thing was when we lost my mother in law suddenly four years ago. Some “friends” would pass on condolences via another friend and I couldn’t understand why they just wouldn’t say it to me (other than maybe embarrassment of not knowing what to say) but it made me realise that I would never have judged them for saying the words “I’m so sorry” to me but i judged them far far more for saying “can you tell Kathy how sorry I am”. I think you have a great attitude towards it, otherwise it would just become one if those toxic things that eat away at you. Another great post my lovely-I love the way you write:-) xxxx

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 20, 2017 / 2:10 pm

      Ohhh Im so glad you get it. Its not a bad thing is it, its just not the way I would want to be. My blinkers were removed in a very similar way to yours, we lost two great people from our lives in a 3 month period, and it almost broke me. I became very aware of peoples sincere-ness. Does that come with age too?? Thank you for reading, thank you for your honest comment, and thank you for joining me for a cuppa and a chat xxxxx

  5. October 21, 2017 / 7:36 am

    Woah Kerry where do I start ? I’ve had this in my life when my daughter had ovarian cancer and with my hubby when he became ill with severe depression and anxiety, more so with hubby as I’ve learnt so much in this time, how people throw around the word “depression “ so freely, sorry if I’m ranting but I now know you can count true friends on one hand and they are there for you anytime you need them , like you say maybe they don’t mean to be that way, and in our industry we have to listen to people’s lives all the time !

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 21, 2017 / 8:07 am

      No you rant away my lovely, thats what cuppa and chats is all about. I agree, we do jobs where we listen to people talk about, what sometimes, and not in a harsh way, is teeny tiny troubles in the scheme of life, it can become wearing. Especially when dealing with the things you have had to deal with. You are one strong lady xx I genuinely don’t think people mean to, so I think this has made me more aware and conscious of not ever being that way. Thank you for joining in xxxx

  6. October 23, 2017 / 7:52 pm

    I’m glad the kettle is on, do you have a teapot as I can see us having a good ol rant here!
    I totally get what you mean, those ‘oh I’ve got the worst cold ever’ people don’t always appreciate what they have got. I know a cold can make you feel awful, but….
    I love your term ‘trophy friend’. For some people it’s better to be seen doing good, than to actually do good. To be seen as caring, than to actually care.
    These kind of ‘ramblings’ of yours are my favourites. Somehow putting into words what we all are thinking!

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 23, 2017 / 8:41 pm

      Hahaha, come on over for a cuppa Gemma, always tea on the go in this house. I think the main thing is to make sure we are NOT a Trophy Friend isnt it. Im sure at times, we can all get caught up in our own dramas and problems, but Im so aware now that I need to make sure Im being the best friend I can be. Thank you so much for joining me for “a cuppa”, and thank you so much for saying you enjoy this sort of post. Thats great feedback as I have really enjoyed having a discussion on the blog. I feel honoured that you can relate, thats what is wonderful about blogging eh! Have a great week xxx

      • October 25, 2017 / 3:17 pm

        Sounds like my kind of house, kettles always on here too!
        Yes, it’s each our jobs to make sure we don’t become a Trophy Friend, and are the best friends we can be.
        You’re very welcome, one of the best things is coming across posts you can relate to, and sparking conversation.
        Great week to you too! And keep on at it.

  7. October 31, 2017 / 9:52 pm

    Ahh I love this post so much. A lot of these thoughts go through my head when I’m navigating my own friendships, and I definitely feel the same way about the value of sincerity. It’s strange why people go to the lengths – why make gestures if you don’t reeeally mean them? Strange one, also there’s usually a competitive edge involved and this doesn’t always bring out the best in some. Hope your day went well xx

    • kerrylifeandloves
      October 31, 2017 / 11:10 pm

      Thank you for joining in the chat, and Im glad you enjoyed. Friendships, relationships, all a funny old thing I think. When they are right they are beautiful, and I love how you describe it, “navigating”, its a great description.You also make an interesting point about jealousy creeping in, I wonder if that is in part, some of it. I have a real belief that if you are sincere in your actions and your words, you are being true, and cant go far wrong with that. xxx Thank you for reading xxx

  8. josypheen
    November 3, 2017 / 6:43 pm

    This is such a good post!

    I just found your blog through Gemma (she just recommended that everyone should take a peek, so I did!)

    I am going to have to think hard and make sure I am not a trophy friend, but I think I have done things like this before (eep!) When my friend was in hospital I bought him a card and got all our mutual friends to sign it, but then his wife asked me to post it rather than visit (as he was feeling so rubbish he didn’t want to see people.) I put a stamp on the envelope, but then took a few months to actually send the card. 🙁 I’m the same with birthdays! I’ll buy gifts ages in advance, but I hardly ever remember to post things in time. I need to do better at actually following through with the people I care about. I am terrible at having good intentions but not always managing to follow through.

    • kerrylifeandloves
      November 3, 2017 / 7:03 pm

      Ohhh hi Josypheen, thank you so much for stopping by. Welcome xx. Im so glad you enjoyed the post, and thank you for joining in the discussion. Most importantly, I see from your comment that you have pure, good intentions. This is something that a Trophy Friend perhaps dosent! Your example you gave was an oversight, or a little disorganised, rather than you intentionally trying to look good to others and not considering your friend. It is important to care about those that care about us isnt it xx

      • josypheen
        November 3, 2017 / 7:32 pm

        Thanks Kerry!

        You are too sweet! The thing is, if I keep being so disorganized, even if I have good intentions, it will still *feel* shallow to friends. basically I need to get a calendar and write friends and family birthdays a few weeks before they happen. Maybe that way I’ll be able to get my arse in gear in time!!

        I’m hoping that some of your trophy friends are the same. They are having good ideas about how to support you, but they are too useless to put their thoughts into actions.

        • kerrylifeandloves
          November 3, 2017 / 9:37 pm

          I love that you recognise what you see as your little shortfalls, and Im sure, if you get your calendar set up and put it somewhere prominent to remind you, you will outwardly be the friend that you already are inwardly. I genuinely dont think anyones intentions are bad, I think we all get a little wrapped up in our own worlds xxx

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