It’s ok if you don’t fit in the box..

I have been pondering over this post for a while. It began with an experience I had right here, on the Internet. Social media to be exact. An experience that left me a little baffled, and as is my normal, wanting to understand. I have taken a deep dive into my thoughts over it, and have come to a conclusion……. Let me explain. Oh, and grab a cuppa, it could be a long one…

The “Don’t Fit in the Box” approach

If you have followed me for a while, then you already know I am a little chaotic in my approach to most things. I do not follow a schedule. I do not have a structured approach to, well, anything in life really. I live for experiences over things, and love to share them with you when I can. I tend to post randomly, and write about whatever is in my head. The no rules approach is just part of my personality and make up. Over the 7 years I have wrote Kerry Life and Loves, I have shared anything from favourite beauty products, my eco living journey, my vegan food loves, right through to deeply personal posts, book reviews, and our travel adventures. I have never really stuck to one genre and never really pigeon holed myself. Iv always preferred an “old skool” lifestyle blogger approach to writing. I started a blog as my place to indulge in my love of writing and sharing thoughts. I suppose it is why the experience that I had on Instagram came as such a surprise to me.

As many of you would know, my family has had a pretty rough ride the last 6 years. Nik’s cancer journey has been a brutal, bloody battle. One that I am over the fricking moon to say we are winning. I know I have said this before, but this experience changed us. In some ways for the better, in some ways as a revelation. One of the things it did, is show us clearly that life is short. We are here a finite amount of time, so you owe it to yourself, and those around you, to be happy.

Cheers to winning battles

I am not saying for one moment that this quest for happiness should be at a cost to other people. Nor am I saying that consideration should not be given to how what you do affects others. BUT, if you live your life trying to do the best you can, trying to be a good person, and doing more good than bad, then you cant go far wrong. Do you agree?

Being placed in a box

So, let me tell you about the experience I recently had that prompted my thoughts.

Nik and I have always wanted to experience the Norwegian Fjords. It has been a long held dream, (that was totally reinforced by watching the Vikings series on tv, not gonna lie…). However, it is notoriously expensive to visit Norway. Every bit of research I did, the high cost was mentioned. Hotels were pretty costly, and there was no way I was going to be staying in a hostel. My hostel days finished in my 20’s thank you very much.

However, a lot of people told me that doing a cruise in the Fjords was a fantastic way to experience them. Both from an immersive, being on the water perspective, but also from a cost point. We had never fancied a cruise, or thought about doing one, but I decided to look into it. I did a lot of research. Luckily, my job as a travel agent meant I had all of the resources at my disposal to dive deep. I know that cruises have a bit of a bad rap with their eco credentials. Again, as you may well know, I try hard to live as planet friendly as possible, so this was part of my research.

A long story short, we ended up booking a short cruise in the Fjords, with the cruise company that are making huge, positive strides in making cruising more environmentally friendly. We also chose to only do locally arranged tours in the ports, to be more sustainable. My conscious felt eased that I had done what I could to travel as mindfully as I could. I was so giddy that Nik was finally going to be able to realise his dream of experiencing the Fjords. A huge bucket list place for him. I excitedly posted on my Instagram story that we had booked, and was keen to hear about other peoples experiences.

I did hear lots of wonderful experiences. I got lots of tips, and made notes of any recommendations. But, I also got a message from someone that shook me a little. I could sense her anger through her message. I could feel her disappointment and pick up on her feelings that I had let her down. She was mad at me that I had booked a cruise. She felt it necessary to point out to me the harm I was doing to the environment by taking the cruise. She thought better of me. She acknowledged that I do live very mindfully in my day to day life, but was so very disappointed in me.

I would be lying if I said that this message didn’t make me feel shit. I care deeply for our planet, and genuinely do my best. I have given up so, so much over the years, to live with a light tread. However, I also feel that Nik deserves to experience this much longed for trip. I will not be made to feel guilty for that. But it did make me feel bad that I had disappointed her. Like most of us, I go through life trying not too upset or be a disappointment to anyone. But I also have the right to live my life don’t I? My blog, my Instagram, they are not my job. I do not make my living here. I share things because I want to. I am not making money, doing sponsored posts or getting “free” stuff from my blog. I am just sharing my “life and loves” as and when. So I cannot be held responsible, or feel guilt, for your expectations of me, can I?

Realising I do not want to fit in the box

Sitting with the thoughts this experience presented, I realised something. She was disappointed in me, because I had fallen outside of the box that she had placed me in. In her eyes, I was Kerry, the eco conscious lady that she followed on Instagram. That was it. One dimensional and comfortable for her. When I displayed something that popped me out of that box, it made her uncomfortable. It felt wrong. I was not in the box anymore, so it made me unfollow-able in her eyes (have I just made that word up….)? I realised that in truth, she would probably have never aired her views on one of the many, many bloggers that are hopping on a plane every month, or buying a heap of non sustainable fashion weekly. She felt it ok to reprimand me, because I was in a box she’d labelled “Eco”

Once I had this realisation, I saw that actually, many of the people in our lives put us in boxes that they are comfortable with. Our friends. Our family. Many of them see a role for us that they feel we fulfil. I even recognised that some of my closest friends have unintentionally, popped me in a box. They will probably not see that they have done this, and it would certainly not be indicative of how they feel about me. But I can see it pretty clearly.

We are all just trying to live a happy life

I have always been the problem solver amongst my friends. I tend to have a level headed, wise approach to most things. I have had many of my own demons to fight over the years, so can draw from many experiences. I am also very strong mentally, so can absorb a lot of my friends/family troubles and woes. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with that role and genuinely have no issues with it. I absolutely love being able to be that person for those I love and care for. However, on the rare occasions when life has felt a little much for me and I have perhaps needed some support, it has not been that forthcoming with one or two of those friends. I would even go as far as to say my own woes have been discounted, dismissed. these friends are not being arseholes, or bad people. But me needing something from them, well that is not my role in their eyes. It is a curve ball for them. Their reaction to that change of role, of me emerging from the box they have me in, is to ignore it or glaze over it.

Even when we were dealing with the darkest, hardest days of Nik’s illness, my friends would offload onto me. Again, don’t misunderstand me, it was not a problem to me. In fact, it almost offered me a distraction from my own scary thoughts I was having, so I welcomed it. But, just the fact that they were ok with piling more onto my already troubled mind, shows me how firmly in that box they have me. I was still Kerry the sounding board. The listener. The one to offer words of encouragement or comfort. That was what they needed, so the box marked Kerry, was opened. No matter what I was dealing with myself.

It has been so interesting to me thinking this all through. I think we are all guilty of putting people into boxes. Even if you do not feel you do it in your friendship groups, think about when you watch a film. If there is an actor that usually plays a funny, joker character, but now you are seeing them in the role of a serial killer, it can throw you. It takes you a while to not see them in those old roles. You could have a favourite singer that usually belts out a beautiful ballad. Their new song they release has them rapping or singing jazz. It feels wrong, and you don’t like this new direction. We are all guilty of having those preconceived ideas of their role in our life, which box they fit into within our world.

What I learnt from the box…

This experience has certainly made me think twice about how I look at people. Both the ones in my actual life, and those I perhaps admire on tv etc. At the end of the day, we are all just people, trying to live a happy, fulfilled life in the short time we are here. Yes, we have a responsibility to be a good human. And yes, we have an obligation to try to do the right thing. But, as long as we/they are not setting out to mislead or hurt anyone, we are entitled to just live our life right? We are all allowed to try on various versions of ourselves, as we navigate through this crazy ride of existence and being. We all have a right to change direction if life dictates it too. Sometimes you do not get the choice! Choice is a privilege, and not something that we all have, all of the time.

If someone in your life does something that isn’t within the “norm” of what you see their role is, as long as they are not hurting themselves or others, just let them. It is not our job to police them, or push them back into the rigid box we have created for them. That is not fair. It is placing way too much pressure on them to be the version of themselves that feels comfortable to you.

If you have read to the end, well done and thank you! It has been a bit of a word vomit. I would really love to know your thoughts on this topic though. Do you agree or see those boxes in your own life? Are you guilty of dishing out roles to the people in your circle? I’d love to hear what you think.

Kerry xx