I decided I would write one of these posts, inspired by my gorgeous friend and fellow blogger, Janelle from The Nelly bean. You must check her out, she is amazing. I also did an Instagram post with the same title, so I thought Id make it a post. If we were having coffee is a chatty post, that maybe fills in some blanks for you on my life x
If we were having coffee…
Id tell you that mine is a weak one or an iced one. I don’t like strong coffee, my brain is hyper enough as it is!
Id tell you that I am happy. I choose to be happy. As happy as we can be given what life throws at us. Its all good.
Id tell you that although I am happy, I have had to work through one hell of a lot of shit to get here. Id let you know that I have had some really, really dark times, but survived them. You can too.
I would mention that if I could have one day, with one person no longer with me, it would be my Nan Rose. Id want to hear her low, quiet laugh and call me a cheeky bleeder. Id want to see her look at me with total love like she always did and tell me “you’ve put on weight gew (girl but in her strong London accent) Id want to know that she was happy, and her mind was clear, and that she could do the things that made her happy again. Id want to know she was still dancing with my Granddad in a kitchen somewhere.
Id reveal to you that I am gripped by fear when my boys go out, and go further afield now they are older and spreading their wings. Im happy that they are confident and keen to experience life, but I want to hold them in the safety of my hugs for ever.
I would tell you a funny story or two to see your eyes sparkle with laughter. Laughter is so good for the soul and feeds both yours and mine. Lets laugh until our faces hurt.
Id explain to you that I am a very tough cookie, I have had to be, but I have never let my heart harden and am far to soft for my own good, although hide it well. I don’t suffer fools, I don’t choose to be around people that are negative or self obsessed, but I wish them all well. I feel everything deeply, and love and hate that about myself in equal measure.
I would tell you that my favourite book I have read this year is Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine.
As the coffee cooled I would try to help you understand that sometimes, the way people perceive me is not the way I am. I come across strong, confident, but also at times aloof, guarded. This is something that I am still working on. I would explain that if I ever feel threatened emotionally, I pull back and put my defences up as I have to protect my heart. My tough, hard exterior is sometimes hiding the fragility of my heart inside. My aloofness can actually be my extreme shyness and lack of self confidence rearing its head. I would ask you to please see through this and try to see the person underneath.
We would share a few details about ourselves to each other. My favourite colour is blue. Im currently obsessed with the programme 24 Hours In Police Custody, my style icon is young Elizabeth Taylor, and I would love to meet Keith Lemmon.
Id tell you that finally, at aged 45, I know myself fully. I know that I can still surprise myself in what I can achieve. I know that I am more than what people think I am. I know that I love fiercely. Im told that I am a hilariously funny fecker if you get me started and we will always have fun. I know that my heart is full to bursting with the love I have for my family. I know that if I am your friend, you get me lock, stock and barrel.
We would share over coffee the hopes and dreams that I have to travel to as many places as possible. Id ask you to recommend me some to add to our list. I would explain that I feel a deep, unquenchable thirst for adventure as I have been made so aware how short life is. I want to create as many memories as possible.
I would tell you the ice that runs through me when I see my husband look at our sons and I see his eyes well up. I would explain that I know what he is thinking. I know the fear he has. I know the need he has to drink in every detail of those precious boys. I know cancer has changed him.
As our coffee cup began to empty, I would explain to you that alcoholism diminishes and changes good people, and it’s hard to watch. I would try to help you understand the anger that it brings about in the people that love an alcoholic. The helplessness. The frustration. The sheer panic when you see what they are doing to themselves, and their family. I would clarify that despite this, you still love them and hope for better days. Id also explain that you have to pull back for self preservation and create a little distance. It’s all consuming and pulls you under otherwise. You never stop loving them, and secretly pleading that they will find the strength to become them again.
I would ask me to tell me your hopes for your future. Id want you to tell me what your plans are. Id want to hang on your every word as you tell me how your going to make sure you are always as happy as possible.
I would let you know that most days I feel hopeful, some days I feel helpless.
Id try to help you understand that it is people and experiences that round our lives, that sew more threads into our tapestry, not things.
I would reach across the table, grab your hands in mine and tell you that you should never, ever let anyone else be in charge of your happiness. Always act with kindness and don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.
As the dregs of our coffee finished, I would let you know that I appreciate you. I thank you for having coffee with me, and giving me the gift of your time.
Thats it. Our coffee date is over. What about you? What one thing would you tell me if we were having coffee? Let me know in the comments. Id love to know!